Today is about release. It is beginning anew without the old troubles.
But I don’t think I am ready for it this year.
When I used to think about “growth”, I always focused on the positives.
Increasing my compassion, being kinder, being a light in the world.
The problem with growth is that, in order to progress, you have to recognize that you are not the person you thought yourself to be.
That you have named yourself as a sum of your better traits and disregarded your selfish, spiteful, undeserving parts.
I have learnt a lot about myself lately. I learnt that I don’t want things I always thought I wanted. That I do want things that I didn’t think I want. That I don’t deserve them. Not yet.
I lost something profound through my own stupidity, but I gained a clarity unknown to me before.
It’s all growth.
None of it is light. None of it is happy.
It’s still growth.
This year, as we head into the dark half, instead of letting go of all the things that “don’t serve me”, implying it is other people who bring me down, I will sit with my darker half, learn from her, and let pieces of her go.
Because she is a heavy burden.
And I am tired.
Have a blessed day, from my heart to yours ❤